Learn to Play Golf FREE GUIDE!: Fitness Toolkit

Funny Golf Stories

A Wealthy Businessman

A wealthy businessman, who was a notorious cheater when playing his beloved sport of golf, died and went straight to Hell. When he got to Hell, he was surprised to find himself on a golf course with well-manicured greens and the weather so perfectly cool and clear that it did not seem like Hell at all. At the first tee, he was greeted by Satan himself who gave him a complete set of golf clubs made of gold in a genuine leather bag with a golf tee also made out of gold.

Satan said, "You will spend an eternity here just playing golf to your heart's content." The golfing enthusiast was so overjoyed that he took the leather bag full of golf clubs and set the golf tee in place only to find out that there were no golf balls around. He said to Satan, "Hey what's the idea? Where are the frigging golf balls?" Grinning widely, Satan handed the golfer a golf ball the size of a basketball and said, "Welcome to Hell!"

Another Perfect Par

A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf course. Every day he would spend about three hours out on the course, playing a round by himself. When he would return to the clubhouse, the resident pro would inquire about his score.

"Ed, how'd you shoot today?" to which the man would always reply, "Another perfect par." The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there was no way the old man was shooting straight par every day. But since he was a regular customer, he didn't want to insult the man by accusing him of lying.

Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man on his daily round, just to see for himself.

On the first tee, the older gentleman sliced the ball way off into the rough. He found his ball, but his second shot was even worse. Finally, putting it into the first hole (a par 4) took him 8 swings.

The golf pro thought to himself, "I knew it! This guy's been lying all this time. There is no way he is gonna shoot anywhere NEAR par."

They continued on, and the old man's game stayed the same, never once getting a par on any one hole. After almost 3 hours, they teed off on the 13th hole. The old man actually hit it straight down the middle -- It was the best shot he had made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to his ball, picked it up, and began walking back to the clubhouse. The pro was confused. "Hey, that was a great shot! Where are you going now?" "Oh, I'm done," the old man replied with a smile. "That shot was number 72 . . . another perfect par!"

Hack Golfer

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

Two Retired Men

Two retired men were sitting in the bar at their local golf club, after an appauling round, in rainy, cold miserable conditions, with a pint of beer each.

"That was awful today," said the first man, staring at the table through his pint glass. "Yeah, it was the worst I've ever played," replied the second.

"I wonder, do you think they have golf in heaven? I hope so. Just imagine it, the lush rolling hills, crystal clear lakes, immaculate greens, perfect conditions for golf. A heavenly course."

The second man looked at him, and thought for a moment. After a minute or so, he spoke.

"Well, my sister is a psychic. We could get her to make contact with some people in heaven, find out about the facilities." "Great," exclaimed the first man.

"Well," continued the second man, "I'll find out, and I'll talk to you next Sunday when we play."

***The Next Week***

"So, did you speak to your sister?"

"I sure did, and she managed to get in touch with a few folks up in heaven", said the second man. "However, there's good news, and, I'm afraid, there's bad news."

"Well, tell me the good news first," said the first man.

"The good news is that there is awesome golf courses in heaven, just as we invisaged it. lush hills, crystal clear lakes, the lot."

"and the bad news?" said the first man, his voice more hesitant "The bad news is, you're off the first tee 9am tomorrow morning."

FORE

A guy was playing golf at this fancy club, and just as he was about to tee off, a cart drives up. These two guys get out and hand him a note saying, "We are deaf. May we play through?"

The guy says, "Hell, no!" and tees off anyway.

Six shots later, he is on the green about to putt when a ball comes out of nowhere and misses his head by an inch. "What the @*%$?!" he yells. The deaf guys drive up and hand him a note. On the note is written, "FORE!"

Pope & Netanyahu

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked. "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Man & Cow

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball....stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"

Golf Trivia

Facts And Figures of Golf Travia

The World's Longest Golf Course is the International Golf Club in Massachusetts, a long par 77, 8325-yards, from the tiger tees.

The World's Highest Golf Course is the Tactu Golf Club in Morococha, Peru, which sits 14,335 feet above sea level at its lowest point.

The Longest Hole in the World is the 7th hole (par 7) of the Sano Course at the Satsuki Golf Club in Japan. It measures a long 909 yards.

The World's Largest Bunker is Hell's Half Acre on the 585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in New Jersey.

The World's Largest Green is that of the 695-yard, 5th hole, a par 6 at the International Golf Club in Massachusetts, with an area in excess of 28,000 square feet.

The Lowest Recorded Score on a long course in the UK is 58 by Harry Weetman, the British Ryder Cub golfer, for the 6170-yard Croham Hurst Course in Croydon, Surrey, on January 30, 1956.

The Lowest Recorded Score in the world is a 57 shot by Wayne Meyers of Easley, S.C. back in 1994 at Southern Oaks golf course in Powdersville, South Carolina in the USA.

The Lowest Recorded Score by a Woman in a professional tournament on an 18-hole course of more than 6,000 yards was a 62, first recorded by Mickey Wright on the Par 71, 6,286 yard Hogan Park Course at Midland, Texas, in November 1964. The score was equaled by Laura Davies in the 1991 Rail Charity Classic.

A Score of 59 The first professional to record a 59 on the US Pro Tour was Al Geiberger on June 10, 1977, in the Danny Thomas Memphis Classic at the Colonial Country Club. It included 11 birdies and an eagle and just 23 putts. The score was eventually equaled by Chip Beck, and more recently David Duval.

The Record for 36 Holes is 122 by Sam Snead in the 1959 Sam Snead Festival on May 16-17, 1959.

The Most Holes-In-One in a year is 28 by Scott Palmer in 1983. All were on par 3 and par 4 holes between 130 yards and 350 yards in length at Balboa Park in san Diego, California.

The Most Holes-In-One in a career is 68 by Harry Lee Bonner from 1967 to 1985, most of them at his 9-hole home course of Las Gallinas, San Rafael, California.

The Longest Hole-In-One ever recorded is the 10th (447 yards) at Miracle Hills Golf Club at Omaha, Nebraska, by Robert Mitera on October 7, 1965. A 50mph gust carried his shot over a 290-yard drop-off.

A Drive of 2,640 Yards across ice was achieved by an Australian meteorologist named Nils Lied at Mawson Base, Antartica, in 1962.

The Longest Recorded Drive on an ordinary course is one of 515 yards by Michael Hoke Austin of Los Angeles, California, in the US National Seniors Open Championship at Las Vegas, Nevada on September 25, 1974. Austin drove the ball within a yard of the green on the par 4 450-yard 5th hole of Winterwood Course. It rolled 65 yards past the flag aided by an estimated 35mph tailwind.

On the Runway at Baldonnel Military Airport in Dublin, Liam Higgins drove a Spalding Top Flite ball 634.1 yards on September 25, 1984.

The Longest Holed Putts in a major tournament were both 110 feet - Jack Nicklaus in the 1964 Tournament of Champions and Nick Price in the 1992 PGA.

Robert Tyre "Bobby" Jones, Jr. was reputed to have holed a putt in excess of 100 feet at the 5th green in the first round of the 1927 Open at St. Andrews.

A Putt Measured at 140 feet and 2 3/4 inches on the 18th at St. Andrews was sunk by Bob cook in the International Fourball Pro Am Tournament on October 1, 1976.

The Greatest Margin of Victory in a major tournament is 21 strokes by Jerry Pate in the Colombian Open with 262 on December 10-13, 1981. Cecil Leitch won the Canadian Ladies Open Championship in 1921 by the biggest margin for a major title - 17 up and 15 to play.

Floyd Satterlee Rood used the United States as a golf course, when he played from the Pacific to the Atlantic from September 14, 1963, to October 3, 1964, in 114,737 strokes. He lost 3,511 balls on the 3,397.7 mile trail.

The Greatest Number of Rounds played on foot in 24 hours is 22 and five holes - a total of 401 holes - by Ian Colston, aged 35, at Bendigo Golf Club in Victoria (a par 73 6,6061-yard course) on November 27028, 1971.

Seventy-Seven Players completed the 18-hole 6,502-yard Kern City Course in California in 10 minutes, 30 seconds, on August 24, 1984, using one ball. Score - 80!

The Lowest Recorded Score for throwing a golf ball around 18 holes (more than 6,000 yards) is 82 by Joe Flynn, ages 21, at the 6,228-yard Port Royal Course in Bermuda on March 27, 1975.

The World One-Club Championship was won by Thad Daber using a 6-iron at the 6,037-yard Lochmore Golf Course in Cary, North Carolina with a 73 on November 10th, 1985.

The Longest Delayed Result in any national open championship occurred in the 1931 US Open at Toledo, Ohio. George von Elme and Billy Burke tied at 292, then tied the first replay at 149. Burke won the second replay by a single stroke after 72 extra holes.

A Record 321,779 Competitors - 206,820 men and 114,959 women - played the 1984 Volkswagen Grand Prix Open Amateur Championship in the UK.

span >The Slowest Strokeplay Tournament round was one of 6 hours 45 minutes taken by South Africa in the first round of the 1972 World Cup at the Royal Melbourne Golf Club in Australia. This was a four-ball medal round, everything holed out.

Steven Ward Took 222 Strokes for the 6,212-yard Pecos Course in Reeves County, Texas, on June 18,1976 - but he was only 3 years and 286 days old.

Jacqueline Ann Mercer won her first South African title at Humewood Golf Club in Port Elizabeth in 1948 and her fourth in Port Elizabeth Golf club on May 4, 1979, 31 years later.

Golf Terms

Golf Terms

ace - A hole-in-one. Buy a round of drinks for the house.

Address - The positioning of your body in relation to the ball just before starting your swing. And your last conscious thought before the chaos begins.

airball - Your swing missed the ball! Blame it on an alien’s spacecraft radar.

albatross- British term for double eagle, or three under par on one hole. I’ve only had one.

amateur - Someone who plays for fun - not money. Playing golf for fun? angle of approach - The degree at which the clubhead moves either downward or upward into the ball. A severe test of agility.

approach - Your shot to the green made from anywhere except the tee. Sounds dangerous; really isn’t.
apron - The grass around the edge of a green, longer than the grass on the green but shorter than the grass on the fairway. Or what I wear to barbecue in.

attend - To hold and remove the flagstick as a partner putts, usually from some distance.

away - Term used to describe the ball farthest from the hole and, thus, next to be played.

back door - Rear of hole.

back lip - The edge of a bunker (a hazard filled with sand) that’s farthest from the green.

back nine - The second half of your round of golf; the first half is the front nine holes.

backspin - When the ball hits the green and spins back toward the player. Galleries, or spectators, love backspins.

backswing - The part of the swing from the point where the clubhead moves away from the ball to the point where it starts back down again. I hope that your backswing is smooth and in balance.

baffie - Old name for a 5-wood.bail out (hang 'em high) - You hit the shot, for example, well to the right to avoid trouble on the left.

balata - Sap from a tropical tree, used to make covers for balls.

ball at rest - The ball isn’t moving. A study in still life.

ball marker - Small, round object, such as a coin, used to indicate the ball’s position on the green.

ball retriever - Long pole with a scoop on the end used to collect balls from water hazards and other undesirable spots. If the grip on your ball retriever is worn out, get some lessons immediately.

ball washer - Found on many tees; a device for cleaning balls.

banana ball - Shot that curves hugely from left to right (see slice).

bandit - See hustler. Avoid bandits at all costs.

baseball grip - To hold the club with all ten fingers on the grip.best ball - Game for four players; two teams of two. The low score on each side counts as the team score on each hole.

birdie - Score of one under par on a hole.

bisque - Handicap stroke given by one player to another. Receiver may choose which hole it is applied to.

bite - (vampire, bicuspid, overbite) - A spin that makes the ball tend to stop rather than roll when it lands.

blade - Not pretty. The leading edge of the club, rather than the clubface, strikes the ball, resulting in a low shot that tends to travel way too far (see thin or skull). Also a kind of putter or iron.

blast - Aggressive shot from a bunker that displaces a lot of sand.

blind shot - You can’t see the spot where you want the ball to land. block (H&R Block, Dan Blocker) - Shot that flies straight but to the right of the target (see push).

bogey - Score of one stroke over par on a hole.

borrow - The amount of curve you must allow for a putt on a sloping green. Or what you need to do if you play a hustler.
boundary - Edge, of course; it confines the space/time continuum. Usually marked by white stakes.

brassie - Old name for a 2-wood.break - See borrow.

British Open - National championship run by Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews — known in Britain as "the Open" because it was the first one.

bulge - The curve across the face of a wooden club.bunker - Hazard filled with sand; can be referred to as a sand trap.

Buried ball/lie - Part of the ball below the surface of the sand in a bunker.

caddie - The person carrying your clubs during your round of golf. The person you fire when you play badly.

caddie-master - Person in charge of caddies.
Calamity Jane - The great Bobby Jones’s putter.

carry - The distance between a ball’s takeoff and landing.

cart - Motorized vehicle used to transport lazy golfers around the course.

casual water - Water other than a water hazard on the course from which you can lift your ball without penalty.

center-shafted - Putter in which the shaft is joined to the center of the head.

character builder - Short, meaningful putt; can’t possibly build character.

charting the course - To pace each hole so that you always know how far you are from the hole.

chili-dip (Hormel, lay the sod over it, pooper scooper) - A mishit chip shot, the clubhead hitting the ground well before it hits the ball.

chip - Very short, low-flying shot to the green.

chip-in - A holed chip.

choke - To play poorly because of self-imposed pressure.

choke down - To hold the club lower on the grip.

chunk - See chili-dip.cleat - Spike on the sole of a golf shoe.

cleek - Old term for a variety of clubs.

closed face - Clubface pointed to the left of your ultimate target at address or impact. Or clubface pointed skyward at the top of the backswing. Can lead to a shot that goes to the left of the target.

closed stance - Player sets up with the right foot pulled back, away from the ball.

clubhouse - Main building at a golf club.

club length - Distance from the end of the grip to the bottom of the clubhead.

collar - See apron.

come-backer - The putt after the preceding effort finished beyond the hole. Usually gets harder to make the older you get.

compression - The flattening of the ball against the clubface. The faster you swing and the more precisely you hit the ball in the middle of the clubface, the more fun you have.
concede - To give an opponent a putt, hole, or match.core - The center of a golf ball.

course rating - The difficulty of a course, measured with some silly formula by the USGA. (NOTE - "Course Rating" is registered trademarks of the USGA.)

cross-handed - Grip with the left hand below the right.

cross wind - Breeze blowing from right to left or from left to right.

cup - Container in the hole that holds the flagstick in place.

cuppy lie - When the ball is in a cup-like depression.

cut - Score that eliminates a percentage of the field (or players) from a tournament. Usually made after 36 holes of a 72-hole event. I’ve missed a few in my time.

cut shot - Shot that curves from left to right.

dance floor - Slang for green.

dawn patrol - The players who tee off early in the day.
dead (body bags, cadaver, on the slab, perdition, jail, tag on his toe, wearing stripes, no pulse — you get the idea) - No possible way out of the shot!

deep - High clubface from top to bottom.

deuce - A score of two on a given hole.

dimple - Depression on the cover of a golf ball.

divot - Turf displaced by the clubhead during a swing.

dormant - Grass on the course is alive but not actively growing. Also my hair.

dormie - The player who’s winning the match in match play — for example, five up with only five holes left, or four up with four left.

double bogey - Score of two over par on a hole.

double eagle - Score of three under par on a hole. Forget it, you’ll probably never get one. See also albatross.

down - Losing.

downhill lie - When your right foot is higher than your left when you address the ball (for right-handed players).

downswing - The part of the swing where the clubhead is moving down, toward the ball.

DQ’d - Disqualified.

drain - To sink a putt.

draw - Shot that curves from right to left.

drive - Shot from teeing ground other than par-3 holes.drive for show, putt for dough - Old saying implying that putting is more important than driving.

driving range - Place where you can go to hit practice balls.
drive the green - When your drive finishes on the putting surface. Can happen on short par-4, or when the brakes go out on your cart.

drop - Procedure by which you put the ball back into play after it’s been deemed unplayable.

dub - Bad shot or player.

duck hook (shrimp, mallard, quacker) - Shot curving severely from right to left.

duffer - Bad player.

dying putt - A putt that barely reaches the hole.

eagle - Score of two under par for a hole.

embedded ball - Portion of the ball is below ground.

erosion - Loss of land through water and wind damage — most common on the coasts.

etiquette - Code of conduct.

explode - To play a ball from a bunker moving a large amount of sand. Or what you do if the ball doesn’t get out of the bunker.

extra holes - Played when a match finishes even (is tied).

face - The front of a club or bunker.

fade - Shot that curves gently from left to right.

fairway - The prepared surface running from tee to green.

fairway wood - Any wooden club that’s not your driver. Nowadays, you say fairway metal because you don’t see many wooden clubs anymore.

fat - To strike the ground before the ball

feather - To put a delicate fade on a shot — don’t try it yet!

first cut - Strip of rough at the edge of a fairway.

first off - Golfers beginning their round before everyone else.

flag - Piece of cloth attached to the top of a flagstick.

flagstick - The stick with the flag on top, which indicates the location of the cup.

flange - Projecting piece of clubhead behind the sole (bottom).

flat - Swing that is less upright than normal, and more around the body than up and down.

flub - To hit the ball only a few feet.

flex - The amount of bend in a shaft.

flier - Shot, usually hit from the rough, that travels way too far past the target.

fly the green - To hit a shot that lands beyond the putting surface.

follow-through - The part of the swing after the ball has been struck.

foozle - To make a complete mess of a shot.

Fore! - What to shout when your ball is headed toward another player.

forged irons - Clubs made one by one, without molds.

Forward press - Targetward shift of the hands, and perhaps a right knee, just prior to takeaway.

foursome - Depends where you are. In the States, a group of four playing together. In Britain, a match between two teams of two, each hitting one ball alternately.

free drop - Drop for which no penalty stroke is incurred, generally within one club length of where the ball was.

fried egg - When your ball is semiburied in the sand.

fringe - See apron.

frog hair - Slang for apron, fringe, or collar.

front nine - The first half of your round of golf; the second half is the back nine holes.

full swing - Longest swing you make.

gallery - Spectators at a tournament.

gimme - A short putt that your opponent doesn’t ask you to hit, assuming that you can’t possibly miss the shot.

G.I.R - Slang for greens in regulation — greens hit in regulation number of strokes.

glove - Usually worn on the left hand by right-handed players. Helps maintain grip.

Golden Bear - Jack Nicklaus.

golf widow(er) - Your significant other after he or she finds out how much you want to play!

go to school - Watching your partner’s putt and learning from it the line and pace that your putt should have.

good-good - Reciprocal concession of short putts. (See gimme.)

grain - Tendency of grass leaves to lie horizontally toward the sun.

Grand Slam - The four major championships - Masters, U.S. Open, British Open, and PGA Championship.

graphite - Lightweight material used to make shafts and clubheads.

Great White Shark - Greg Norman.

green - The shortest-cut grass where you do your putting.

greenies - Bet won by player whose first shot finishes closest to the hole on a par-3.

green jacket - Prize awarded to the winner of the Masters Tournament in Augusta, Georgia.

greens fee - The cost to play a round of golf.

greenside - Close to the green.

greensome - Game in which both players on a team drive off. The better of the two is chosen; then they alternate shots from there.

grip - Piece of rubber/leather on the end of a club. Or your hold on the club.

groove - Scoring along the clubface.

gross score - Actual score shot before a handicap is deducted.

ground the club - The process of placing the clubhead behind the ball at address, generally touching the bottom of the grass.

ground under repair - Area on the course being worked on by the groundskeeper, generally marked by white lines, from which you may drop your ball without penalty.

gutta percha - Material used to manufacture golf balls in the 19th century.

hacker - Poor player.

half - Tied hole.

half shot - Improvised shot with ordinarily too much club for the distance.

halve - To tie a hole.

ham and egging - When you and partner play well on alternate holes, forming an effective team.

handicap - For example, one whose handicap is 16 is expected to shoot 88 on a par 72 course, or 16 strokes over par.

hanging lie - Your ball is on a slope, lying either above or below your feet.

hardpan - Very firm turf.

hazard - Can be either sand or water. Don’t ground your club in hazards it’s against the rules!

head cover - Protection for the clubhead, usually used on woods.

heel - End of the clubhead closest to the shaft.

hickory - Wood from which shafts used to be made.

high side - Area above the hole on a sloping green.

hole - Your ultimate 4 1/4-inch-wide target.

hole-high - Level with the hole.

hole-in-one - See ace.

hole out - Complete play on hole.

home green - The green on the 18th hole.

honor - When you score lowest on a given hole, thus earning the right to tee up first on the next tee.

hood - Tilting the toe end of the club toward the hole. Lessens the loft on a club, and generally produces a right-to-left shot.

hook - Shot that curves severely from right to left.

horseshoe - When ball goes around the edge of the cup and "comes back" toward you. Painful!

hosel - Curved area where the clubhead connects with the shaft.

hustler - A golfer who plays for a living. Plays better than he claims to be. Usually leaves your wallet lighter.

impact -Moment when the club strikes the ball.

impediment -Loose debris that you can remove from around your ball as long as the ball doesn’t move.

Impregnable Quadrilateral -The Grand Slam.

improve your lie -To move the ball to make a shot easier. This is illegal unless local rules dictate otherwise.

in play -Within the confines of the course (not out-of-bounds).

into out -Swing path whereby the clubhead moves across the ball-target line from left to right.

in your pocket -After you’ve picked up the ball! (Generally after you finish a hole without holing out.)

insert -Plate in the face of wooden clubs.

inside out -Clubhead moves through the impact area on a line to the right of the target. Most tour players do this. (See also outside in.)

inside -Area on your side of a line drawn from the ball to the target.

intended line -The path on which you imagine the ball flying from club to target.

interlocking -Type of grip where the little finger of the right hand is entwined with the index finger of the left.

investment cast -Clubs made from a mold.

jail - Slang for when you and your ball are in very deep trouble.

jigger - Old term for a 4-iron. Also a great little pub to the right of the 17th fairway at St. Andrews.

jungle - Slang for heavy rough, or an unprepared area of long grass.

kick -Another term for bounce.

kill -To hit a long shot.

ladies day -Time when course is reserved for those of the female persuasion.

lag -A long putt hit with the intent of leaving the ball close to the cup.

laid off -When the club points to the left of the target at the top of the backswing.

lateral hazard -Water hazard marked by red stakes and usually parallel to the fairway.

lay-up -Conservatively played shot to avoid possible trouble.

leader board - Place where lowest scores in tournament are posted. I don’t stay on the leader board too long. In fact, when the scorers are putting up the "d" in McCord, they’re usually taking down the "M." Sometimes I wish my name was Calcavecchia.

leak - Ball drifting to the right during flight.

lie - Where your ball is on the ground. Also, the angle at which the club shaft extends from the head.

lift - What you do before you drop.

line - The path of a shot to the hole.

line up - To stand behind a shot to take aim.

links -A seaside course. Don’t expect trees.

lip - Edge of a cup or bunker.

lip-out (cellophane bridge) - Ball touches the edge of the cup but doesn’t drop in.

local knowledge - What the members know and you don’t.

local rules - Set of rules determined by the members, rules committee, or course professional.

loft - The degree at which a clubface looks upward.

long game - Shots hit with long irons and woods. Also could be John Daly’s game.

loop - Slang for "to caddy." Or a round of golf. Or a change in the path of the clubhead during the swing.

low-handicapper - Good player.

low side - Area below the hole on a sloping green.

LPGA - Ladies Professional Golf Association.

make - Hole a shot.

makeable - Shot with a good chance of being holed.

mallet - Putter with a wide head.

mark - To indicate the position of the ball with a small, round, flat object, such as a coin, usually on the green.

marker - Small, round object, such as a coin, placed behind the ball to indicate its position when you lift it. Or the person keeping score.

marshal - Person controlling the crowd at a tournament.

mashie - Old term for a 5-iron.

mashie-niblick - Old term for a 7-iron.

Masters - First major tournament of each calendar year. Always played over the Augusta National course in Georgia. The one tournament I can’t go to.

match of cards - Comparing your scorecard to your opponent’s to see who won.

match play - Game played between two sides. The side that wins the most holes wins the match.

matched set - Clubs designed to look and feel the same.

medal play - Game played between any number of players. The player with the lowest score wins (can also be called stroke play).

metal wood - Wooden club made of metal.

mid-iron - Old term for a 2-iron.

miniature course - Putting course.misclub - To use the wrong club for the distance.

misread - To take the wrong line on a putt.

miss the cut - To take too many strokes for the first 36 holes of 72-hole event and be eliminated. I did this once or twice.

mixed foursome - Two men, two women.

model swing - Perfect motion.

mulligan - Second attempt at a shot, usually played on the first tee. This is illegal.

municipal course - A course owned by the local government and thus open to the public. Generally has lower greens fees than a privately owned public course.

nassau - Bet in which a round of 18 holes is divided into three — front nine, back nine, and full 18.

net score - Score for a hole or round after handicap strokes are deducted.

never up, never in - Annoying saying coined for a putt that finishes short of the hole.

niblick - Old term for a 9-iron.

nine - Half of a course.

19th hole - The clubhouse bar.

O.B. (Oscar Bravo, set it free) - Out-of-bounds.

off-center hit - Less than a solid strike.

offset - Club with the head set farther behind the shaft than normal.

one-putt - To take only a single putt on a green.

one up - Being one hole ahead in the match score.

open face - Clubface aligned to the right of the target at address, or to the right of its path at impact. Can lead to a shot going to the right of the target.

open stance - Player sets up with the left foot pulled back, away from the ball.

open up the hole - When your tee shot leaves the best possible angle for the next shot to the green.

out-of-bounds - Area outside the boundaries of the course, usually marked with white posts. When a ball finishes "O.B.," the player must return to the original spot and play another ball under penalty of one stroke. He or she thus loses stroke and distance.

outside - Area on the far side of the ball.

outside in - Swing path followed by the clubhead into the ball from outside the ball-target line. (See inside out.)

over the green - Ball hit too far.

overclub - To use a club that will hit the ball too far.

overlapping - A type of grip where the little finger of the right hand lies over the index finger of the left hand.

pairings - Groups of two players.

par - The score a good player would expect to make on a hole or round.

partner - A player on your side.

penal - Difficult.

persimmon - A wood from which many wooden clubs are made.

PGA - Professional Golfers’ Association.

Piccolo grip - A very loose hold on the club, especially at the top of the backswing.

pigeon - An opponent you should beat easily.

pin - The pole placed in the hole.

pin-high - See hole high.

pin-placement - The location of the hole on the green.

pitch - A short, high approach shot. Doesn’t run much on landing.

pitch and putt - A short course. Or getting down in two strokes from off the green.

pitching- niblick - Old term for an 8-iron.

pivot - The body turn during the swing.

plane - The arc of the swing.

playoff - Two or more players play extra holes to break a tie.

play through - What you do when the group in front of you invites you to pass.

plugged lie - When the ball finishes half-buried in the turf or a bunker.

plumb-bob - Lining up a putt with one eye closed and the putter held vertically in front of the face.

pop-up - High, short shot.

pot bunker - Small, steeply faced bunker.

practice green - Place for working on your putting.

preferred lies - Temporary rule that allows you to move the ball to a more favorable position because of wet conditions.

press - You’ve lost your match, but you want your money back. This new bet takes place over any remaining holes.

private club - A club open to members and their guests only.

Pro-Am - A competition in which professional partners team with amateurs.

professional - A golfer who plays or teaches for his or her livelihood.

pro shop - A place where you sign up to start play and can buy balls, clubs, and so on.

provisional ball - You think your ball may be lost. To save time, you play another from the same spot before searching for the first ball. If the first ball is lost, the second ball is in play.

public course - A golf course open to all.

pull - A straight shot that flies to the left of the target. shorter-than-normal follow-through.

push - A straight shot that flies to the right of the target.

putter - A straight-faced club generally used on the greens.

quail high (stealth, skull, rat-high) - Low.

qualifying school - A place where aspiring professional golfers try to qualify for the PGA and LPGA Tours. A punishing week of pressure golf. The ultimate grind.

quitting - Not hitting through a shot with conviction.

rabbit - A beginning player.

rake - Device used to smooth the sand after you leave a bunker.

range - Practice area.

range ball - Generally a low-quality ball used on a driving range.

rap - To hit a putt firmly.

read the green - To assess the path on which a putt must travel to the hole.

regular - A shaft with normal flex.

regulation - Par figures.

release - The point in the downswing where the wrists uncock.

relief - Where you drop a ball that was in a hazard or affected by an obstruction.

reverse overlap - Putting grip in which the little finger of the right hand overlaps the index finger of the left hand.

rhythm - The tempo of your swing.

rifle a shot - To hit the ball hard, straight, and far.

rim the cup - See lip out.

ringer score - Your best-ever score at each hole on the course.

Road Hole - The 17th hole at St. Andrews — the hardest hole in the world.

roll - On wooden clubs, the curve on the clubface from the top to the bottom of the face.

rough - Unprepared area of long grass on either side of the fairway.

round - Eighteen holes of golf.

Royal n Ancient Golf Club - The organization that runs the British Open.

rub of the green - Luck.

run - The roll on the ball after landing.

run up - A type of shot to play when the ground is firm. You bounce the ball onto the green and let it roll to the hole.

sandbagger - A golfer who lies about his or her ability/handicap to gain an advantage.

sand trap - A bunker.

sandy - Making par after being in a bunker.

scorecard - Where the length, par, and rating of each hole is recorded. Also, your score.

scoring - The grooves on the clubface.

scramble - To play erratic golf but still score well. Or a game where a team of, say, four all tee off and then pick the best shot. All then play their balls from that spot; continues with each set of shots.

scratch play - No handicaps used in this type of game.

scratch player - One with a 0 handicap.

second cut - Second level of rough, higher than first cut. Some courses have three cuts of rough.

semiprivate - A course with members that is also open to the public.

semirough - Grass in the rough that is not too long, not too short.

shaft - The part of the club that joins the grip to the head.

shag - To retrieve practice balls.

shag bag - To carry practice balls.

shallow - Narrow clubface. Or a flattish angle of attack into the ball.

shank - Shot struck from the club’s hosel; flies far to the right of the intended target.

shooting the lights out - To play very well.

short cut - Cut of grass on the fairway or green.

short game - Shots played on and around the green.

shut - Clubface aligned left at address or impact; looking skyward at the top of the backswing. Results in a shot that goes to the left of the target.

sidehill lie - Ball either above or below your feet.

sidesaddle - Putting style where a player faces the hole while making the putt.

stroke. sink - To make a putt. sit down (full flaps, pull a hamstring, develop a limp) - A polite request for the ball to stop.

skins - Betting game where the lowest score on a hole wins the pot. If the hole is tied, the money carries over to the next hole.

skull (hit it in the forehead) - See blade or thin.

sky - Ball flies off the top of the clubface — very high and short.

sleeve of balls - Box of three golf balls.

slice - Shot that curves sharply from left to right.

smile - Cut in a ball caused by a mishit.

smother - To hit the ball with a closed clubface, resulting in a horrible, low, hooky shot.

snake - Long putt.

snap hook - Severe hook.

socket - See shank.

sole - Bottom of the clubhead.

sole plate - Piece of metal attached to the bottom of a wooden club.

spade-mashie - Old term for a 6-iron.

spike mark - Mark on the green made by a golf shoe.

spin-out - Legs moving too fast in relation to the upper body on the downswing.

spoon - Old term for a 3-wood.

spot putting - Aiming for a point on the green over which the ball must run if it is to go in the hole.

square - Score of a match is even. Or the clubface and stance are aligned perfectly with the target.

square face - Clubface looking directly at the hole at address/impact.

square grooves - USGA banned them from clubfaces.

St. Andrews - Located in Fife, Scotland, the home of golf.

stableford - Method of scoring by using points rather than strokes.

stance - Position of the feet before the swing.

starter - Person running the order of play (who plays when) from the first tee.

starting time - When you tee off at the first tee.

stick - The pin in the hole.

stiff - A shaft with reduced flex. Or very close to the hole.

stimpmeter - Device used to measure the speed of greens.

stroke - Movement of club with the intent to hit the ball.

stroke hole - Hole at which one either gives or receives a shot, according to the handicap of your playing.

stymie - Ball obstructing your route to the hole — now obsolete.

sudden-death - Form of playoff whereby the first player to win a hole wins the match.

superintendent - Person responsible for the upkeep of the course.

surlyn - Material from which most balls are made.

swale - Depression or dip in terrain.

sway - To move excessively to the right on the backswing without turning the body.

sweet spot - Perfect point on the clubface with which to strike the ball.

swing plane - Angle at which the club shaft travels around the body during a swing.

swing weight - Measure of a club’s weight to its length.

takeaway - early part of the backswing.

tap-in - Very short putt.

tee - Wooden peg on which the ball is set for the first shot on a hole. Also, the area from which that initial shot is hit.

teeing ground - Area in which you must tee your ball, between the tee markers and neither in front of them nor more than two club lengths behind them.

tee it up - To start play.

tempo - The rhythm of your swing.

temporary green - Used in winter to save the permanent green.

Texas wedge - Putter when used from off the green.

that’ll play - A kind reference to mediocre shot.

thin - To hit the ball around its equator — don’t expect much height.

three-putt -Undesired number of strokes on a green.

through the green - The whole course except hazards, tees, and greens.

Tiger tee - Slang for the back tee.

tight - Narrow fairway.

tight lie - The ball on bare ground or very short grass.

timing - The pace and sequence of movement in your swing.

titanium - Metal used in lightweight shafts and in golf balls.

top - Ball is struck on or above the equator. See thin.

torque -Twisting of the shaft at impact.

tour -Series of tournaments for professionals.

tradesman’s entrance - Ball goes in the hole from the rear of the cup.

trajectory - Flight of the ball.

trap - See bunker.

triple bogey - Three over par on one hole. Not good.

turn - To make your way to the back nine holes. Or the rotation of the upper body during the backswing and forward swing.

twitch - See yips.

uncock - See release.

underclub - To take at least one club less than needed for distance.

unplayable lie - You can’t hit the ball. One stroke penalty is your reward.

up - Ahead in the match. Or the person next to play. Or reaching the hole with a putt.

up and down - To get the ball into the hole in two strokes from somewhere off the green.

upright - To swing with a steep vertical plane.

USGA - United States Golf Association. The ruling body for golf in the United States.

U.S. Open - National men’s golf championship of America.

U.S. Women’s Open - National women’s golf championship of America

Vardon grip - See overlapping.

waggle - Movement of the clubhead prior to the swing.

water hazard - Body of water that costs you a shot to leave.

wedge - Lofted club (iron) used for pitching.

whiff - Seeairball.

whipping - The string around the shaft/head of a wooden club.

whippy - A shaft more flexible than normal.

windcheater - Low drive.

winter rules - See preferred lies.

wood - Material that long clubs used to be made of.

wormburner - Low mishit.

yips - When a golfer misses short putts because of bad nerves, which reduces the afflicted unfortunate to jerky little snatches at the ball, the putterhead seemingly possessing a mind all its own.

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